Inspiration & Laziness

I have often wondered why these two have been so easily intertwined in my life. I get motivated, inspired and excited and in about 2 point 5 seconds it's gone. A fleeting thought.

One reason I love to read blogs so much is because they make me think about things. I find comfort in knowing that there are other people out there who stop and look at themselves and think "how did I get here?"

I have always had this image in my mind of who I want to be. I always imagined my marriage being a certain way. My life was supposed to be one with no pain, no hard decisions; full of life, love and happiness. All of those things have become intertwined.

I always wanted to grow up to be a woman with the heart of a servant. I don't have one. The selfish nature is just too great in me. I want to be the person who puts the needs of others in front of my own and to do so with a joyful heart.

I always wanted to be a person who gets things done when they need to be done. I don't. I let things go and pay the consequences for it. I need to be a good steward of my time.

I always wanted to be a person who gives back. You know, volunteer and teach my children to do the same. To love people and do good. I always wanted to do my part in making the world a better place. I don't.

I wanted to grow up and create a home that is my family's refuge. A place where my husband and future children feel safe and loved. I haven't created that home.

What is it that makes me have these great aspirations, yet achieve none of them? Laziness. Comfortability. Complacency. After I got sick a few years ago... which September 30 marked 4 years since I was diagnosed with an arteriovenous malformation--which is now gone! Yeah! Anyways, back on track, I was never going to let life pass me by. When you're paralyzed on one side of your body, you think of all the things you take for granted. I told myself I was going to enjoy life. I told myself I was going to LIVE! I decided I didn't want to live my life waking up, going to work, going to bed and then doing it all over again the next day--for the rest of my life. I wanted to try new things. I wanted to have fun. I decided I didn't want to live my life wishing I had done this or that. New experiences; I want them.

I've only partly done some of that. I did get up and move to Idaho didn't I? I've tried things since I've been here. I haven't siezed every opportunity though. I think laziness is the thorn in my flesh; like Paul in the Bible. It's so easy for me to get comfy and not move and I mean that figuratively and physically.

I want to learn new things and work on being the person that I always wanted to be. That person, I believe, is inside me somewhere. I just need to find her.