Motherhood.

My girl bounced back from being sick beautifully. Yesterday as the day went on, she got better and better.

She is a silly girl. I put her to bed sometime after 8, like usual. I could tell she wasn't terribly tired but I figured she'd go to sleep. Well, David and I decided to go to bed early and so we went to bed (I can't remember what time exactly but it wasn't too long after 9) and Avery was still awake. I assumed that she'd eventually go to sleep anyway. But she didn't. In fact, she got louder. She can now make spitting noises so last night she would not stop. David grew aggravated, saying it was time for her to sleep in her own room. So, I picked the chatty, spitty girl up and sat in the dark in the living room and held my ornery baby and watched TV. She quieted down and closed her eyes, sucked her thumb and played with her ear so I thought we could go back to bed. It was 9:51. I got cozy and then...it started again. She spit, cooed and rustled around, getting louder by the minute so I crawled out of bed and once again took her to the living room. Where she continued to spit, spit and spit some more. After a while she quieted down again and layed on my chest. I hoped this was really "it" this time.

I picked up my dozing baby and made the journey down my short, dark hall and thought about all the mothers who have stayed up late, even all night, with their child/ren. I gained comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one to do this. Many a mother had stayed up with their sick child (I dread this lol) and I am thankful that last night that wasn't the case. I was up because my girl was just being crazy.

I'm happy that I have joined this club of mothers. It's exciting and fearful all at the same time to think about all the things that might and will come my way being a mom. But there's a comfort in knowing you're not alone. That women generations and generations before me have experienced the same joys and hardships of mothering that I have and will experience.

I am thankful for my own mom, who although she isn't here anymore, I have memories of her sitting with me at night while sick. I have memories of her stroking my hair while I cried with my head in her lap over a boy. She told me she was proud of me. She told me every day she loved me. She never backed down when needed. She never let me get the upper hand. I miss going back and forth with her before bed time:
"Good night mom, I love you."
"I love you more."
"No, I love you more."
Nuh-uh, I love you more."
and on and on
So many precious moments, some forgotten and some not. I hope that my children will store up precious memories of our life together. And now that my mom is gone, I will mention my dad who is Mr. Mom now. He is precious to me. I am thankful for how his role in my life changed after my mom's passing for the better.

I am thankful for my mother in law. She has given me alot of things to think about in being a mother. She helped me get sleep in those first few days of being a mom by suggesting skin to skin contact. Worked like a charm. She told me the truth that I was Avery's lifeline and she needed/wanted me. She encourages thinking outside the box and not following the norm when your instincts tell you otherwise. She showed interest and had faith in me when I wanted to do homebirth. I'm glad for her support. It's been nice that when I read about things in the realm of natural or instinctive parenting she is supportive. Things I read about while pregnant like skin to skin contact, feeding on demand and whatever else I can't remember she has reiterated in person.

I am thankful for all of the other women in my life who are mothers that I have been able to call upon in times of need. I have been surrounded by wonderful christian women who have held me up in prayer and supported and encouraged me. I gained alot of support about my birth even from women who wouldn't choose it for themselves and never gave me an ounce of grief but showed respect for my determintation to do what I felt was best. I am thankful that I can literally call them at any hour for any need.

I thank God that he has placed so many women in my life for these very reasons. I am thankful that he has allowed me into the club of motherhood. I am thankful that in my happiness, in my sadness, in my confusion, in my anxiety, and any other state I am in, that I can come to him and find peace. I am thankful that he has put me on this journey of life as a mother where I can learn to live and love in a whole new way.

I pray that I can take what I have learned and will continue to learn and pass it on to my children and some day, to other women who are embarking on the journey of motherhoood. I hope to take a little of everything from everyone and meld it all together. I think this is the way to being a good mom.